— from the excellent and depressing essay “The I in the Internet”, which I keep thinking about; in the excellent Trick Mirror by Jia Tolentino.
(LJ, I thought of you. I am always, a little bit, thinking of you.)
Oh, hey, sometimes I notice I have an LJ app! Which reminds me that I have an LJ.
I was out of town, mostly out of the country, for just about the entire month of August. Obvs I am big into travel but that's just over the top. I'm excited to be a homebody for as long as I can -- maybe all of September?! (I was in: Uganda, Atlanta, NYC, Italy. Two for work, two not.) Exciting! But exhausting.) I'm feeling nesty. I want to Organize All The Things and clean the bathroom and curl up on the couch in the evening with novels. In these daydreams it's also crisp and deliciously cool, so I can break out things like long sleeves and layers, though of course tomorrow it'll be 90-something here.
Ugh. This post is boring. Good thing approximately nobody is on LJ anymore to read it!
My ability to focus on anything -- or even remember things from moment to moment -- has become really really really bad. Internet-induced ADD? Brain meds? Old age? It's so stressful and frustrating and makes me obsessed with writing everything I have to do down instantly so it doesn't fall through the gaping cracks in my brain. Futzing around with ToDoist filters. I want to be fixed! But the only thing I can think of to do is meditation, which I loathe, but I'm desperate enough to start trying again since it's supposed to be the silver bullet for concentration, yadda yadda.
I love my job; which still feels exhiliarating and weird to say. I'm getting loads of new projects and being bumped to PM on nearly all of them which is all thrilling but also fairly panic-inducing. Don't let me mess up.
(Please don't make me be the monkey butler.)
EVEN MORE BORING. Let's see: jet lag is hitting me hard this time, which is unusual since usually I love the west-to-east timechanges. They're *so* much easier than the opposite and a generally nice counterweight to my frustrating nightowl/slugabed tendencies. But when I got home Sunday I accidentally fell sound asleep at 6:30 at night and woke up wide awake before 3am. ROOKIE MISTAKE. Surreal feeling. Exciting to have time to read and doze off again; NOT exciting to then have to go to the office to do a full day's work. (Three days later and I'm still having trouble eating.)
I got up and went out a little after 6. Excited to wear my new MOMA tanktop with a Stephen Shore photograph, excited to make the three minute walk around the corner to my favorite coffee shop, excited to get coffee and a cheddar rosemary biscuit and walk back home past cheerful morning people commenting to each other on how lovely the sunrise had been, the air fresh and the sidewalks mostly quiet. An alternate universe very slightly diagonal from the world I'm usually in. I'm told it comes around every day?
I am so bad at not being anxious. Even when there's nothing to worry about at all.
I just wrote a ridiculous and unnecessarily long email about poetry to an undergraduate professor and it's so rare that I write anything lately that's not work-related, I thought perhaps I should save it somewhere for posterity. (Also: POETRY! Oh yeah! That's that thing I love!)( Collapse )
On a completely related note, it's almost the end of January which means it's almost April which means NATIONAL POETRY MONTHAPALOOZA and guys, GUYS, this is going to be my TENTH FUCKING YEAR doing this thing. I want to do something special to celebrate. But I don't know what. E-extra emails linking to some of this huge, glorious backlog from all the past years? .... something else? GIVE ME IDEAS.